AND I LIKE THE DIRT THATS ON YOUR KNEES…

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that’s on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you’re looking up at me
You’re like my favorite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can’t say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn’t that hard
Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you’re not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self respect
While you’re passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

And now I know who you are
It wasn’t that hard
Just to figure you out

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that’s on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you’re looking up at me
You’re like my favorite damn disease

And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can’t say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn’t that hard
Just to figure you out

When this song came out it was like water for the thirsty. Music is such an incredible force in my life-and obviously it is that way with the company I keep. The first person that told me I HAD to listen to it was Crazy #1. The honest truth is, this is one that strikes a VERY deep and nervous chord.

It reads perfectly into the most intimate relationships I’ve had-and even some of the surface.

They start by loving my dirty. They start by loving the sexy. The attention I get from other people. The way that sometimes strangers stare. The way that people come up to feed their curiosity.  The willing to please in the bedroom. They love the mania. The craziness. The circus. The people I keep in close company. The constant “GO”. The always “ON”. “The Hunger”. The parts that keep them on their toes. The inability to impress me very much. The wandering. The not knowing where I disappear to but not being able to live without me making them feel like they are the only person in the world while I care.

The shift happens once they realize that when I wander it is likely the start of someone else in the spotlight. Its “The Hunger”

I’ve been told on many occasions that the people I am with wish that they knew me as nothing more than a friend-because my friends get treated SO well. With so much loyalty. Its true.

I’ve been compared to a disease on multiple occasions which is odd to me. Something that people have to live with no matter how difficult. I try to never let people get that far-but I fall too. It’s rare and usually short lived. Most fall into a 3 month category and the honeymoon is over for me. For a long time I thought as whole-heartedly as those that attempted it that I COULD change. That it would happen. I’ve had some incredible love in my life. But “The Hunger”.

They resent the dirty-because they never believe that it was reserved only for them. They hate the sexy-it becomes overwhelming to some because it doesn’t end with them. They hate the extra attention. The way that people sometimes get too drunk and too interested. The way I laugh too hard at other people or hold a gaze too long.  They begin to think of other people in the company of my body and my mouth. They hate the mania-the never ending mind fucks . They cant live with the craziness but can no longer live without it. They hate the  circus. They realize the  people I keep in close company have been more, or want more. The constant “GO”. The always “ON”. “The Hunger”.  They hate that I’ve had too much to be impressed. The wandering. The not knowing where I disappear to. They hate that everything is boring after me and that they thought they were different.

The fact is that most of them are extremely different. Its me that doesn’t change.

 

When I met my wife I was engaged, and heavily involved emotionally with someone that I was in love with (not the fiance)((GUY1). I said “yes” to the engagement for all the wrong reasons. I had quite a few sexual partners at that time. My family loved the fiance for me- she had her shit together and had them all convinced that she had changed me. That I was settling down and wasn’t going to be crazy anymore. That she was “The ONE”. I was certain she wasn’t the ONE-but was also convinced that the ONE didn’t exist.

I never believed in “ONE”. Theres too many people in the world.

The person I was in love(GUY1) with just married an ex friend of mine but we were still involved. It was a really REALLY fucked up situation and I didn’t know WHAT to do. He was waiting for me to change and I wasn’t convinced he would make the move. I was also listening to too many other voices telling me to look the other way. No one, even those I’ve hurt the most ever betrayed me the way he did- I have never even had an ex DATE a friend. I think most people are too scared to cross me because I can be incredibly vengeful-more so, they have told me that I would never consider them in the future if they get on my bad side. Which is INCREDIBLY true.  I have reallllly loyal friends that would never cross lines, this person in particular doesn’t have a lot of friends to begin with-so she didn’t know better. And the HONEST truth is, when she first told me she was interested in him- I PUSHED her to pursue it-I was fucked up about him being trans and didn’t know how to handle everything.

The wife came at a perfect time. She is really good looking- My “Type” to a T. On most levels-something I find incredibly attractive is when someone puts in effort when they are going to see you. She showed up dressed up every time. If I am not worth someone showing UP for- they are NOT in the running for shit.

She was very cool. She thought I was the most incredible person she had on most levels-and it wasn’t for my wilds. She liked that too-but she had her own demons. We seemed to calm each other’s demons down. We would talk for HOURS. She had lost a friend recently and was doing her best not to go on a self-destructing spree. She was a reformed bad girl. Extremely loyal. Did I mention she was cool?

That is part of what kills our relationship.

 

She’s TOO cool for me. Her apathy is unmatched.

Its just NOT in her to show interest.

When we were dating–hooking up—she REALLY showed it as best she could. I liked that she wasn’t obsessed (or maybe she was and had no way of showing it?)-but she made it clear to everyone and everything she was interested-anything from that point in any relationship sets the bar. And anything less means that you aren’t as desired as you once were. I know hat because that is exactly how I function.

FACTS.

Most everyone’s disenchantment was because of “The HUNGER”. It made everyone crazy and un-trusting. (With GOOD reason)

Crazy # 1 mostly listened to alternative rock, and one day on the way back from a beach date (One of the ONLY good days I remember with her) she played this song from the 70’s. I was shocked that she had ever even heard it-even I, who is OBSESSED with music from the 70s never had: Dr Hook- When you’re in love with a beautiful woman. She said she had completely stopped trusting everyone around us because she saw how they looked at me-but she said it with this incredible carefree look. She wore her strap on to the beach that day-put her arm behind my head and motioned me to give her head. I was more than happy to do it because she was still in touch with her confidence in that moment. But I’ve seen many friendships break down when I join their circle. And its NOT always because I oblige any advancements.

I’m really not “ALL THAT” on paper. I’ve always felt really really ugly actually. I’m confident in who I am as a person-I normally think Im incredibly fucking awesome- but a lot of people think I am EVERYTHING. It’s a total mind fuck. People would always stop me in bars and passing by and ask to have their pictures taken with me-NOT like a celebrity-most people were really nice “You are so sexy/You are so beautiful/You look SO amazing. Can we take a picture together?” My best friends would be EXTREMELY annoyed because it was regular for us. People used to throw numbers and flyers and business cards INTO MY CAR when I would ride around rocking out with my windows down. People would motion me on the freeway all the time to PULL OVER! I think it was the vibe. When I’m thin I Do have a really nice shape. But I think people go crazy over that VIBE. How CONFUSING to constantly compare yourself to other women-to always feel like the ugliest girl in the room- but to get that kind of attention. I finally just learned to say “Thank you” to compliments and move on.

The disenchantment from my wife was MUCH MUCH different than anyone else’s with me. At this point in our relationship I’m sure she is certain I won’t cheat on her. And I WONT. But even before that she wasn’t really insecure about anyone. She is an alpha and when people would come up and flirt she would just walk between us and kiss me. Which was fine by me. I was just-going through the motions of things. I was crazy about her too. She was EXACTLY what I needed when I was SO confused about what was going on with everyone else.

It’s because of who I no longer am.

When she met me I was the definition of strength. Independence. Fun. Wild. Confidence. Composure.

All of that changed a few years later.

I lost crazy #3. By lost, I mean she passed away unexpectedly. I haven’t gone into much detail about the relationship Crazy #3 had-but she was one of the most significant and relevant relationships of my life. She was one of the only reasons I could ever feel “safe” and also the reason to this day that I cant stand the feel of someone walking or running behind me. I realize now, through breaking everything down that she made me feel safe the way that a lethal dose promises to be painless to the executioned.

She passed away and I lost my mind. Literally. I lost the wife and I’s baby too. I miscarried. The Dr. said that there was no way my body could have supported a pregnancy. I shut down. The person I thought I could lean on for support was COMPLETELY shut down to me. It was a dark dark tunnel I could not get out of. I had to go to the hospital on several occasions for anxiety attacks during my crying fits. It took a few years to find myself on the other side of grief.

I was such a disaster that my wife didn’t get the opportunity to grieve our miscarriage appropriately. Neither did I.

To add insult to injury I had to have the baby removed by DNC. It was that, or taking some pills at home until the baby passed on its own. WHAT A TERRIBLE FUCKING NIGHTMARE. We were going to wait until after the 1st trimester to announce the pregnancy but they dr told us during the 1st appointment that the baby had “SUCH a strong heartbeat that there was no reason to wait” so we did-we announced it- only to be told a few weeks later that the heartbeat was gone…and now you are telling me that either this baby pass out of me at home “naturally” or it has to be “REMOVED”? So we chose to have it removed-my 1st surgery ever. Nothing felt like waiting in that waiting room to be called back for the procedure.

The wife had a Vegas trip planned for a while. It was scheduled to happen about 3 days after the DNC- she told me she was going to cancel it so she could be home and take care of me-I INSISTED that she go. Eager to prove that I was self sufficient and not NEEDY. So, she left-I was honestly kind of shocked she did-but I knew she NEEDED it too. ALL BAD. I had a lot of friends offer to come over and keep me company-but I was still shut down from the passing of Crazy # 1 and kept everyone completely shut out. It was the 1st or second nite of her being away that I had cramping, went to the restroom and LOST MY FUCKING MIND. I cant remember exactly what I was looking at. I took  a picture and sent it to her and layed on the floor and screamed and cried myself to sleep. I thought I was looking at pieces of the baby we lost. Because they said that the hormones and EVERYTHING would take a while to leave my body. She showed up a few hours later (we live about 4.5 hours from Vegas) . She felt bad about what happened but I could feel the resentment of her having to come home to HELP her fragile wife.

Using the direction and loving advice from our friend, a delivery nurse (Amanda) we got pregnant at HOME. It was the best choice for us.

I was really sick with our 1st born. I lost 30 pounds and friends were worried, but my dr said it was perfectly healthy. I had gestational diabetes and nausea through out the entire pregnancy. I was already an emotional burden, and asking for help while I was pregnant was like asking for help on any normal day-NOT something I would do at all. My mind always took me to places of past relationships and how different it would have been with them. “Can you get me some water” has ALWAYS felt like asking for an entire oil change. I was going to the gym regularly to keep my energy up, sugar down and to stay attractive. Pregnancy is NOT a handi-cap. I also manged an entire office full of females-it was important to me to set the right example-despite my dr.’s recommendations I worked until about a week and half before delivery.

We had our 1st born and she was so incredibly detached from the pregnancy that I thought I was dying inside. Looking back she says its because she was so scared of losing another baby. When I had fantasies of being pregnant I thought it was everything everyone had always promised me-to be showered in love and adoration and pampering. That it would be the most stress-free and amazing experience of my life. There were some incredibly beautiful moments in my pregnancies. Moments that were only for me. I will always miss the feel of the babies kicking. The absolute love and connecting to the tiny little person you are creating. The wife was excited in her own way-the moment she held them for the first time I could see how worried she was and how relieved she was that they were finally out of my body and out in the world where she can protect them also.

For legal reasons I can’t get into many details about this next part- I was 7.5 months pregnant with our 1st born (baby boy), and I was really uncomfortable-my wife refused to give me much of any attention-so the thought of asking her for a back rub was out of the question. So, I went to have a pre-natal massage. I was sexually assaulted. I was DEVASTATED and fucking SHOCKED. I think if it was ANYONE else they would have walked into the establishment and murdered someone-but she remained pretty collected. She was upset- she actually showed me SOME sympathy because I was fucking LOSING MY MIND waiting for the cops to get there. YES. I ABSOLUTELY blame her for this. There was NO reason why I should have had to have gone outside of my home for some comfort.

Getting pregnant with baby #2 involved NO sex. We were way passed that point in the relationship. I KNOWWWWW–If I would have HEARD this from anyone’s house I would wonder what the fuck was going on. Sex is such an IMPORTANT part of a relationship-ESPECIALLY with someone as physical as I am. The last time we had sex was sometime during the 1st pregnancy. I KNOW. FUCKING CRAZY.

Its not that we don’t find eachother attractive-my wife is VERY VERY attractive-we both get a lot of attention from other people. She is attractive to me in a way that is not meant for a relationship. I would want her more if I knew NOTHING about what we would become.

So : 1. losing Crazy #3, 2. the miscarriage ordeal(ALL OF IT), 3. the sexual assault incident, aftermath, and case..could I have made her ANY MORE insane with my “Neediness”? FUCK YES. Within minutes of giving birth I became the craziest person I had EVER known-a CONSTANT worrier-CONSTANT. I think its pretty normal for some moms-but I tend to take everything over the top-and SHE HATES me for it. HATES me.

As soon as they get sick my mind goes to the extreme. My hypochondria has met all time new heights for the two babies, AND myself. I know there are times she just wants to pack them up and leave me because its overwhelmed her. If incidents 1-3 didnt happen-it probably wouldn’t be so bad.

Little by little I’m getting better. My Psychologist introduced me to a tool called “Fact checking” and that has helped quite a bit.

I have told her for the past few years that we live like “roommates”. We share a bed-not much else. This is pretty common with lesbians. When  I was 18 I told myself IF I ever got married- I would NEVER live with that person- it loses the sexy. I should have listened to myself. It takes away from the “missing” and “longing” for the other person. FACTS. Then add all my other shit on top. FORGET IT.

I told my wife some time after the assault ordeal that I was over “US”. That I couldn’t imagine her sexually ever again. That it was DONE for me in that department. I have asked her several times to open our relationship to other people. Sexually. (Which I always thought would be too tricky once you have kids) She has considered it on a few occasions, but has told me she is in love with me and doesn’t want to do that. I have suggested several times that we separate and live together with the kids and she says she loves me too much and doesnt want to give up on us. Its VERY VERY fucking confusing. I guess I dont really know what I expect from her-I cant imagine hearing from anyone, let alone your wife-that she doesnt want you to touch her again-that the thought makes her crazy. I think I could very easily manage physical relationships elsewhere. I read  a multiple choice answer in a “couple’s question” book once that has stuck with me since high school. “Affairs make a relationship stronger” I think about that pretty often when the subject has ever come up. OF COURSE they do. If you use the power of the affair correctly.

The best part of ALL of this is that people think I have my shit together. I am acquainted with a LOT of people. I have been heavily involved in gay politics, and partied my ass off for MANY MANY years. I share almost EVERYTHING on fb- people feel like they “KNOW” me. “Friends” in passing stop and tell me how much they love me and my open-ness and confidence, and Im NOT fake but I’m like IF YOU ONLY FUCKING KNEW HOW CRAZY I am-and I TELL them-they think its cute.

I’ve heard it plenty of times and no one knows it better than my wife- Everyone wants me until they KNOW me. Then it becomes the headache of a fucking life time. I have tried my best to warn everyone off. It NEVER works. It only piques interest.

 

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