No, not “baby” anymore..If I need you, I’ll just use your simple name..

The conversation in my living room this evening.

Mary is a good friend. She has known my wife since they were 18 (wife is 37). Mary and I became extremely and incredibly close as soon as we met. There has been some dramatic “break ups” between the two of us as friends, but we are finally in a great place again. Where we will stay. We were talking about my wife, and since she has met her she has envied everything about her-especially her “cool”-the wife has been a bad ass her entire life. I explained to Mary that the part she envies the most is one of our biggest downfalls. I have said it to her before, that I could take her to meet her biggest celebrity crush (I have) or to a funeral, and I would never know the difference based on her reaction. Her reasoning “I’ve been this way since the day you met me”-true. I loved the cool back then-meeting someone that wasn’t a “YES” girl was different-and attractive. That attraction to that attitude was short lived.

Anyway..the conversation:

Mary (talking about the new girl she is dating) : “She wants to take care of me..she wants to cook me meals, and get my health on track and like…rub me”

Me : Thats AMAZING. YOU DESERVE THIS MARY!! (she has TERRIBLE taste in women)

The wife: “And I’m over here like ‘SOMEONE PLEASE RUB MY WIFE SO THAT I DONT HAVE TO”


Me : “yeah..and someone did..and I was sexually assaulted hahaha”

The wife: “Fuuuuuuck”


It was a joke. I didn’t really take it personally at all-because as much as she was joking-THIS IS THE REALITY OF MY MARRIAGE. Again, despite my own feelings-there are PLEEEEENTY- P L E N T Y of people that would LOVE the opportunity to rub my ANYTHING. Like-the line would be out of the door. But my wife- no interest. I don’t necessarily think she wants anyone else to do it-because I’ve tried to open that door-but she has no interest.

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